Today marks the last day I am officially breastfeeding. I actually have been pretending to breastfeed for a while now, but today I realized that the charade is over and that the Bean and I are done.
So the background......breastfeeding Mo wasn't a cakewalk in the beginning, but with the help of a Lactation Consultant, we finally got the hang of it. Mo was a nursing champion. She just took to it, and we could do it anywhere, and in any position. It was easy, and also I knew it was best for her.
I went back to work when she was 6 months old and I wasn't able to pump very much. I also didn't have a frozen milk stash, so she would nurse in the morning and night, and she got formula during the day. I was fine with this arrangement. I felt like formula is fine to give babies, so that wasn't an issue. This worked very well, and eventually one day, we dropped the morning nursing session, and then right after her first birthday, she was the one who just kind of stopped all together. It wasn't a big deal. I was proud that we made it that far.
Just to interject, I am not one of those women who totally enjoyed my breastfeeding experience. I didn't mind it, it was mildly enjoyable for a bit, but overall, I didn't feel any closer to Mo just because I nursed her. In fact, towards the end....I resented the fact that I HAD to breastfeed her, and I was just as ready to stop as she was.
Fast forward 5 years, and the Bean is born......she was a great nurser right away (much better than Mo)...but then, the jaundice happened! Jaundice made her very sleepy, lethargic, and she wouldn't nurse....she just didn't have the energy. So, we started her on a bottle right away. I was pumping, but she drank all of her milk for the first 10 days from a bottle. We tried to nurse, but she wasn't really into it, but we kept at it, and finally, she started taking the breast...yah-success!!! But, she has always preferred the bottle....it is just easier to drink out of.
The other problem.....she also developed a bad latch...so when she would nurse...it wasn't very productive...she would get some milk, but not enough....not enough to keep her healthy and not enough to help me make more milk....the only reason I am still making any milk at all, is that I have never stopped pumping....and pumping isn't nearly as good as nursing....and on top of that....pumping sucks....I hate it! So my supply has just slowly gone down, down, down.....I have been able to build a good freezer stash, but the Bean has gotten more formula than breastmilk for a while now.
So, we have been nursing in the morning and sometimes at night....and I felt like the morning nursing session was our best one. But over the past month, she has been super hungry after our morning nurse, and she ends up eating a full bottle shortly thereafter. That was clue #1 that she wasn't really getting any milk in the morning.
Clue #2....I am still a pumping fool, but my output is going WAY down.....I am getting anywhere from 2-4 ounces per day which is nothing, but felt like I would keep at it, to keep my supply up and to add to the freezer stash...so she would get at least one breastmilk bottle during the day.
The past 2 mornings I haven't been able to nurse her in the morning, so I pumped instead......I got 1 lousy ounce. I had thought that she was getting a whole lot more....like 4-5 ounces during that session. But today when I pumped that little bity ounce.....I realized that she is just using me as a big pacifier, and not really eating anything in the morning. This was clue #3.....and the final one.
All the pumping I am doing is not worth it for the grand total of 4 ounces I am getting per day! I am just giving in....I will still offer her the breast, but more for comfort.....not for nutrition. We will give her what breastmilk we have in the freezer, and the rest...all formula.
I have mixed emotions....on one hand, formula is not bad....it is a fine way to feed your baby....but I do know that breastmilk is better for baby, and I had hoped she would get at least a year (just like her sister) of some breastmilk.....but that is not what is happening, and that will have to be fine.....the important thing is that she is growing and is healthy!
This is one long post.....much more rambling than I thought it was going to be!!!!
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1 comment:
You have done a fantastic job! Savanna was a horrible nurser because she was always distracted by everything. I ended up just pumping most of the first year. I am not saying it's not worth it, I am just not sure I would do it again next time :-)
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